Here's the deal- I've spent my entire life waiting for people to tell me what to do and who to be. I always wore the clothes my mom picked out, did the chores my dad asked me to fulfill and copied my older brother's social skills. My life was built on what everyone else around me did, I couldn't even lie about having my own personality. I stuck my nose in the books and succeeded in my studies, I picked up golf as a hobby to please my father. Everything I did seemed to be for someone else, and never just because I wanted to do it.
That sounds a little like being held in captivity to me. Doesn't it?
Somewhere down the road, I fell in love with golfing. I thought about it every second of every day. It's not like I became a golfing superstar (maybe in my dreams), I just simply loved the joy it brought to me. Yes, I got frustrated, golf is a very frustrating sport, but even on my worst days I wanted to go out and play again. I felt like a new person on the golf course, like all the stresses of reality couldn't touch me and I could finally be the girl I wanted to be. I felt more humble and somehow that made me feel closer to Jesus. During high school, I started to play competitively and something about the competition lit a fire in me that I hadn't seen in a very long time because I had become to accustomed to the mundane task of pleasing everyone else. Whenever I beat my lowest round I got a sense of pride that made me just a little bit more cocky (and stuck up) than I was before. Let's just say that I wasn't exactly in it for the joy any more, I was in it for the win.
You know how some professional athletes can be real jerks because they think they're the best and everyone else should bow to them? Well, sometimes that was my attitude.
I want to get one thing straight- I am no professional golfer. The farthest I have gone in my golf career is the NCAA Division III Nationals. There are some amazingly talented girls who play D3 golf, I am not really one of them. I have talent, yes, but my lowest round is a high 93. I was usually placed in grouping with girls that I could beat, and even though I was in no way "the best", I felt powerful and better than others. Just when the chip on my shoulder had gotten to a whole new level, I suffered a shoulder injury and my pride fell. Very hard. Without golf, I didn't feel like I was the same girl. I had placed my entire identity in that silly game and just like that, it was gone. You see, that's the thing about me, I'm not just a golfer.
So who am I?
During my weeks of rehabilitation, I started to focus my energy on the faith I once had in Jesus. The same faith I had lost touch with because of my obsession with golf. I realized that golf had become my idol and what had once given me so much joy, destroyed me. You shouldn't place your trust and identity in something that is temporary and changing. There's something few people understand about golf- it's the most frustrating game in the world with the biggest rewards. Not one round of golf will ever be the same, it just keeps changing. I'm not saying golf and all other activities that can be consuming are from the devil and should never be participated in, I'm saying that there is a fine line between pushing yourself to improve for the joy of it and pushing yourself to improve for the pride. I found out that "prideful" isn't a good look on me. The pride I had from being "better" just cast a shadow on what really matters. My injury gave me the opportunity to rekindle why I love golf so much in the first place. Golf gave me peace from the tiring task of attempting to please all the people in my life. For once, I was the one pleased with life and when I was happy with my life, I was happy with Jesus. Being out on the course drew me close to God's creation daily and I was so much more thankful than I was when I went out and won. Winning didn't give me the satisfaction that playing for joy did. Actually, nothing, not even the knowledge of pleasing other people gave me satisfaction like my joy of golfing did. So, how did something so pure and pleasant become the source of my prideful attitude?
Golf crossed the line between being a sport and being an idol.
I found out that idols eat away at you, they give you false hope in something that will only crush you in the end. I finally realized why Jesus is so against idolatry in the Bible. It isn't because He himself is prideful and wants everyone to bow down to him, it's because he cares for us and knows that idols can kill. If we are smart, we will make him the center of our lives because bowing down to him gives us eternal life and everlasting joy. Who doesn't want everlasting joy? God doesn't care if I shoot a 103 or a 73 on the golf course, He cares that I am happy doing what I am doing.
God is most glorified when we are happy.
I can only imagine how hurt God was when I let golf consume my life and turn me into a cold, selfish girl. And you want to know what amazes me? God hurt for me. He hurt because he isn't happy when we are sad, He is happy when his children are full of joy. It took my injury and weeks without golf to show me that no one and nothing can tell me who I am because I am defined by one God and His love for this world.
Jesus died so that we could enjoy what His Father has blessed us with, not so that we can make it our idol.
Let's stop pretending that running around trying to please everyone is fun. It's not, and Jesus knows it. Instead of pleasing everyone, treat yourself to some of God's love and open your eyes to just how joyful life can be. Once you find the love that Jesus offers, it become a lot easier and more satisfying to serve others out the joy of our hearts than to please them out of resentment.
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